Tuesday, January 03, 2006

King Kong Sucked BIG Monkey Dick

It's usually polite to mention that you'll be giving spoilers away with a review of this type, but I think that can be waived for lack of any suspense or surprise for the entire movie. There's nothing to give away.

Most bowel movements contain more excitement... While they might not normally be so interesting to film, at least they gain points for concision. I have never taken a 3 hour shit, but King Kong was as close a simulation as I'm likely to find. You don't even get to see the star for a full hour. Most adept film makers generally take advantage of a full god damn hour of your time by providing mostly relevant content so that the story moves along. Peter Jackson seems to have a different theory on this because it takes him a full hour to show the main characters get on a boat and go to a fucking island. During which time we meet in detail several mostly irrelevant characters. Oh, and they spend ten minutes avoiding a wall in a drawn out unremarkable sequence. They finally land at the island which seems at first to be abandoned... but is really filled with dirty dark people who've apparently been hiding in holes since prehistoric times just to ambush a group of idiots. They seemed to be chanting something which sounded really close to "DONKEY KONG!!!!" over and over. But anyway you finally get to meet the main character Donkey Kong as he quickly runs away with the girl. The movie then takes 45 minutes to re-hash Jurassic Park and kill off a few people in interesting and pointless ways. Then the wimpy script writer saves the girl from Donkey Kong and everyone else captures the thing. They don't even bother explaining how they got the fucking thing on the boat, they just cut to the unveiling of Donkey Kong Live on stage. It doesn't take him long to break free, break a bunch of shit, harass the wimpy scriptwriter, and recapture the girl (who goes seeking out Donkey Kong). This is where they take about 15-20 minutes to turn Kong into an ET like figure with things like a ten minute ice skating sequence. Yep, that's right Ice Skating! He and the girl climb up the empire state building where they slowly fall in love (because 25 ton gorilla's are so damn endearing). Occasionally even the ape would get bored and climb higher to swat at air planes. Then go back to courting the bitch. Eventually she climbs up with him to protect him from the air planes which are shooting him. Donkey Kong then promptly falls over and dies. The girl hooks up immediately afterwards with the wimpy scriptwriter (what a slut... she could have at least waited until they buried the fucking thing). The End. But not before Jack Black says something puke-worthy.

I want to see an edit of this movie thats a half hour long even though I know they're probably going to stuff an even more bloated 5 hour version on the DVD. I also think they need to make an alternate version where Donkey Kong has the face of George Bush. Oh well... It would probably still be dog shit.
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Anonymous jennybeanses said...

Thank you. Now I don't have to watch it when it comes out on DVD. I asked my husband the other day how many times they have to remake the same monkey movie before the world gets bored, but apparantly in their search for something knew under the sun, they kept finding themselves in the shadow of a really big, dumb ape.

4:54 PM  
Blogger Drogulus said...

The only thing better about this from other versions is the special effects. Everything else was worse. I even thing the FX were a step down from the Lord of the Rings. Although if thats the only thing to see about a movie, play a video game instead. It reminds me of one of my favorite cinematic moments from the classic "Driller Killer." The whole movie the main character is obsessively working on this one painting before he's willing to let his manager sell it. Until finally he shows it to his manager who pauses and shouts "It's a FUCKING BUFFALO!!!" Which it was, and he ads "The worst thing that can happen to an artist has happened to you... You've become a technician!!!"

Peter Jackson seems to be adequate at gorillas, I'm guessing his buffalo would be on par too.

6:47 PM  
Blogger Toni said...

Yeah, my boyfriend saw Donkey Kong- I mean, King Kong over Christmas with his folks and he was really disappointed too. Real shame, since I absolutely love the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

5:04 PM  

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