Sunday, January 22, 2006

Put on your METAL FACE!!! | James Vance vs. Judas Priest

The T-Shirts are now available! Enjoy the METAL!!!!!

James Vance made metal history on 12/23/85 when he was inspired by Judas Priest to blow his face off.
Support the METAL!!! Tell your friends!!!!
Buy T-Shirts NOW!!!

By Popular Demand, BLACK T-shirts also available HERE!
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Saturday, January 14, 2006

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

I guess you could say that this one falls into the "acquired taste" category of films. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls combines some of the better elements of Subconscious Cruelty and the August Underground movies. All of these movies are pretty nasty. Subconscious Cruelty is artful enough to make some of the nastiness look almost beautiful. There's no beauty at all in the August Underground movies as they seemed to take effort to make them as gritty and unappealing as humanly possible. I thought these films were a bit rough to watch, but neither really succeeded in really disgusting me. Subconscious Cruelty was too ambient, and the August Undergrounds reached a certain level of vile and scraped along that intensity throughout. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls has ebbs and flows. It's like drowning slowly in an ocean of your own vomit. Through the use of jump cuts and surreal sound effects the whole movie sort of has the feel of a bad hangover. The assault continues as you get to briefly know several prostitutes who get introduced in intertwined snippets, get dehumanized both mentally and physically, and get brutally mutilated with some better gore than I expected. This is edited together with cuts of one of the girls performing in front of the camera when she was little. The film slows down a bit to take a closer look at these and some other prostitutes who you can't help but to see a bit differently than you did before as most of them are treated as similar inhuman objects. Until finally, one of the prostitutes seems more human than the others. You start to understand what the cutter seems to get off on through a kind of a bizarre love story focused around human suffering. This plot is almost so understated that it really isn't important at all. It does get somewhat draggy assed and repetitive after awhile in a montage of sex, vomit and blood, but it ends well. Overall, it does several new things with horror which I thought were fairly effective (and I've sat through MANY of these fucking things.) Not for the feint of heart.
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Sunday, January 08, 2006

Narnia needed blood.

Narnia was better than I expected it to be. My major complaint has more to do with Disney than the movie itself. It needed blood. Lot's of blood. I'm not inclined to feel sorry for things that don't bleed. If you wonder why people are desensitized to violence from watching it on the screen, battles without blood is the perfect thing to cause it. Groups that censor gore, horror, and suffering don't seem to understand that when you remove these things from violence IT LOOKS LIKE LOTS OF FUN!!! A war where people are skewered, flattened by rocks, and frozen to death sends a really funny message to kids especially when all of the good-guy's who were killed get up afterward. I think Disney might be okay with violence so long as it trains kids to want to join the army when they grow up.
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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

King Kong Sucked BIG Monkey Dick

It's usually polite to mention that you'll be giving spoilers away with a review of this type, but I think that can be waived for lack of any suspense or surprise for the entire movie. There's nothing to give away.

Most bowel movements contain more excitement... While they might not normally be so interesting to film, at least they gain points for concision. I have never taken a 3 hour shit, but King Kong was as close a simulation as I'm likely to find. You don't even get to see the star for a full hour. Most adept film makers generally take advantage of a full god damn hour of your time by providing mostly relevant content so that the story moves along. Peter Jackson seems to have a different theory on this because it takes him a full hour to show the main characters get on a boat and go to a fucking island. During which time we meet in detail several mostly irrelevant characters. Oh, and they spend ten minutes avoiding a wall in a drawn out unremarkable sequence. They finally land at the island which seems at first to be abandoned... but is really filled with dirty dark people who've apparently been hiding in holes since prehistoric times just to ambush a group of idiots. They seemed to be chanting something which sounded really close to "DONKEY KONG!!!!" over and over. But anyway you finally get to meet the main character Donkey Kong as he quickly runs away with the girl. The movie then takes 45 minutes to re-hash Jurassic Park and kill off a few people in interesting and pointless ways. Then the wimpy script writer saves the girl from Donkey Kong and everyone else captures the thing. They don't even bother explaining how they got the fucking thing on the boat, they just cut to the unveiling of Donkey Kong Live on stage. It doesn't take him long to break free, break a bunch of shit, harass the wimpy scriptwriter, and recapture the girl (who goes seeking out Donkey Kong). This is where they take about 15-20 minutes to turn Kong into an ET like figure with things like a ten minute ice skating sequence. Yep, that's right Ice Skating! He and the girl climb up the empire state building where they slowly fall in love (because 25 ton gorilla's are so damn endearing). Occasionally even the ape would get bored and climb higher to swat at air planes. Then go back to courting the bitch. Eventually she climbs up with him to protect him from the air planes which are shooting him. Donkey Kong then promptly falls over and dies. The girl hooks up immediately afterwards with the wimpy scriptwriter (what a slut... she could have at least waited until they buried the fucking thing). The End. But not before Jack Black says something puke-worthy.

I want to see an edit of this movie thats a half hour long even though I know they're probably going to stuff an even more bloated 5 hour version on the DVD. I also think they need to make an alternate version where Donkey Kong has the face of George Bush. Oh well... It would probably still be dog shit.
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